Shake it Out
by fandomsunleashed
Summary: Nico is falling. Thalia was his best friend. Suicide always ringing in his ears, his heart broke in two, he makes his choice between life and death. Based off the song 'Shake it Out' by Florence and the Machine. Rated T for swearing,bullying and abuse. THALICO (I ship it, ok?)
1. Regrets

_Regrets collect like old friends_

_Here to relive your darkest moments_

_I can see no way, I can see no way_

_And all of your ghouls come out to play_

_And every demon wants his pound of flesh_

_But I like to keep somethings to myself_

_I like to keep my issues drawn_

_It's always darkest before the dawn_

Regrets?

Ha, I live for regrets.

But then, I would have to have a life. My life was taken when my sister died in the plane crash, coming back home from Italy. I regret letting her go. I regret not dying with her. I regret living.

The words are stuck in my throat, waiting to come out. But instead, I respond to the question.

"I have a lot of regrets," and I sit back down.

Mr. Dawson nods and moves on to Rachel, asking her the same question.

"What are your regrets?"

I drum my pale fingers on the cover of our Health textbook. Mr. Dawson says opening up is the way to understand each other, and feel better. Today, we are sharing regrets. Yesterday was our accomplishments. The day before was our family history. I don't say much in Health.

I piece of paper lands on my desk, a few inches away from my hand. I glance over and see Luke smirking, giving a small fist bump to Percy Jackson. I grit my teeth and slid the paper into my pocket. Probably the same things they always say.

The bell rings fifteen minutes later, and I bolt out. I sling my backpack over one shoulder, holding my textbook tightly in one hand. I'm the first one out. Dad says I can't be late to therapy.

"Just one sentence, then you can go," Dr. Benson coaxes, her hand moving to my shoulder. I jerk away and shake my head. She hit the bruise spot on. And I don't like physical contact.

Dr. Benson sighs and waves her hand, her painted fingernails distracting me. Everything about Dr. Benson screams popular girl. Her face is coated in makeup, making her look ten years older. Her clothes are too tight and cling to every curve. They look designer. I don't know who she can walk in those five inch heels. I don't like her. Or trust her.

I scrape back my chair and stand up. I make a move to the door, and Dr. Benson doesn't stop me.

"Tomorrow I will get you to talk, Nico," she whispers softly. But I'm already gone.

**A/N: sooo you guys like it? review!**


	2. Bury that Horse in the Ground

_And I've been a fool and I've been blind_

_I can never leave the past behind_

_I can see no way, I can see no way_

_I'm always dragging that horse around_

_Out love is pastured, such a mournful sound_

_Tonight I'm going to bury that horse in the ground_

_So I like to keep my issues drawn_

_It's always darkest before the dawn_

I gaze into my ghastly reflection, pin pointing the flaws. My skin is too pale, my eyes seem like shattered glass, my cheeks are sunken in. I'm too skinny, probably from my anorexia. My hair hangs in my eyes, not in the attractive way though. It looks like I haven't had a haircut in months. Which I haven't.

My eyes are a problem. People always ask if I'm ok because of them. Probably because they've seen so much.

My mother burning. The officer on my porch, a remorseful look on her face. The faces of a hundreds of orphans. My father beating me, his eyes foggy with alcohol. The social workers taking me away. The abandoned streets of New York. So much.

"Nico, honey. Are you ok?" Holly asks, knocking quietly on the bathroom door. I unlock and open it, peeking out.

"I'm fine, Holly."I spit. She purses her lips slightly but plasters on a smile that barbie would be proud of.

"Call me mom, sweetie. I just want to let you know that dinner's ready when you are," she says, her smile staying in place. I nod and turn away. I hear her sigh and her heels click as she walks downstairs.

I turn off the bathroom light and close the door. My room is adjoined to the bathroom, which is a relief. I spend most of my time there. Besides, Holly doesn't go in there much, so she can't find my small razor, hidden in the medicine cabinet. My head hurts as I remember the word.

_Suicide._

I try to push it away, but it seeps back in. Haunting my dreams, my life. It rings in my ears during lunch. It whispers to me during gym. It causes my panic attacks, the cause of my nightmares.

I can see no way out of this word, but suicide. No way to forget my past besides jumping off the bridge. No way besides stabbing myself. No way besides swallowing pill after pill until I'm out of this world. No way.

**PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK**

Thalia Grace.

Who do I began?

Well, we can start at the time where she slapped me in first grade for calling her pretty. I've thought about her ever since. Maybe we could've been something too.

Then Luke moved here, and went to our school.

Immediately, Thalia forgot about me-her best friend- and started dating Luke. He always kisses her in front of me, smirks in my direction when she kisses back. He seems to say with his eyes,"_She's all mine, not yours. You never had a shot anyway,"_

It's hard to forget about love. It's hard to bury that horse in the ground.

"Nico, peaches, are you ok?" Holly asks, touching my shoulder. I jerk away and nod, swallowing the pasta. It's easier to keep my issues to myself, where no one can judge them.

But it's always darkest before the dawn.


	3. Blood of Crimson

_Shake it out, Shake it out, Shake it out, Shake it out, ooh whoa_

_Shake it out, Shake it out, Shake it out, Shake it out, ooh whoa_

_It's hard to dance with a devil on your back_

_So shake him off, oh whoa_

_And I am done with my graceless heart_

_So tonight I'm gonna cut it out and then restart_

_'Cause I like to keep my issues drawn_

_It's always darkest before the dawn_

I stare at the cold pizza on my tray. A cartoon of milk rests next to the paper plate, a napkin neatly folded. I'm chewing on the pizza, a small bite from the tip, but it tastes like cardboard. Everything tastes like cardboard, or paper. Nothing has taste anymore.

I push it away and open my book,"The Program". I wonder if I would be happier if it actually existed. Probably not, with all my memories eaten away. My eyes scan the pages, flipping them so I can continue. But the words float away, drifting away from my mind. I can't process them. All I can hear and see is suicide.

A body plops down on the seat next to mine, the red tray hitting the table. I lose my grip on my book, and it falls to the ground.

"You made me lose my page," I grumble. The girl laughs.

"Come on, Death Boy, lighten up,"

The nickname Death Boy hits me like a ton of bricks.

"Thalia?" I managed to squeak out, rotating in my chair to face her. She rolls her electric blue eyes.

"No, I'm Annabeth. Who else would I be?" she teases, poking my bony arm. I flinch and she recoils,"Sorry,"

I shake my head and mutter out,"It's fine,"

Thalia studies me for a moment, thoughtfully drinking her milk out of a bendy straw. I notice that it's skim. I hate skim. Bianca used to love skim milk, and that's probably the reason why I don't. A question boils in my head, and it spits out of my mouth like word vomit.

"Why are you sitting with me?"

As soon as I say it, I clamp a hand over my mouth. Thalia just laughs. She opens her mouth to answer but someone beats her to it.

"Yeah, why are you sitting with di Angelo, Thals?" Luke asks, gripping the back of Thalia's chair. I tense and look back at my tray. Que Thalia's exit, with her sitting back down in her usual seat in between Percy and Luke. Que her laughter. Que her saying "what a loser," and the rest laughing. It would have been perfectly normal, and I would've been okay. I would've been as close to okay as I could get.

"Because, Luke, he looked lonely. I thought I would sit with him, like I did in middle school, and we could laugh about Mrs. Phelps together. We both hate her. So why don't you lighten up, or sit with us?" Thalia says, looking up to meet Luke's eyes. They flash with anger, his hand slapping her across the cheek. Suddenly the cafeteria is quiet.

"Never talk to me like that,"Luke hisses his face centimeters away from hers,"We talked about this before, remember? Now get up and leave this table,"

My mouth is hanging open with shock. Thalia holds her cheek in one hand, her face furious. She raises her other hand and punches him in the jaw.

"Back off, Luke. I'm staying here, with Nico. His name is Nico,"she glances over at me and flashes a short smile,"And we're through. I'm not continuing like this."

Luke stomps off, his face red. Percy and Annabeth and everyone else is gaping at us. Thalia shoots them a glare before turning back to me.

"T-thank you," I stutter, so relieved. She broke up with him. They're over. Thalia grins.

"No problem. You look like you need your old friend again anyway, Death Breath," she says, lightly, as if this is nothing. Like she does this every day.

And I can't help it. I lean forward and plant my lips on hers. Thalia's lips taste sweet, like honey, and so soft. I hold them there for a moment, before pulling back and gathering up my stuff.

"Thanks again, Thals," I mumble, sprinting away. I can hear her calling my name, the stares drilling holes into the back of my head, and I run out.

**PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK**

I'm done.

My phone is filled to the brim with messages.

Stupid

Retarded

Hopeless

Loser

Deserves to die

It seems like the whole world just wants me dead. I want me dead to.

I'm done with my graceless heart.

I pull the razor down my arms, legs, chest, writing. Writing her name in Italian, our country. Bianca. Bianca. Bianca.

Black spots dance in my eyes, lids becoming weak. I collapse on my bathroom floor, the crimson staining the marble tiles. I hear Holly talking to someone, and footsteps running up the stairs. It occurs to me that I left my door open.

I hear her gasp, her electric blue eyes filling with tears. She runs over, kneeling by my head. Thalia grabs her phone and I can hear her talking on speaker.

"911, what's your emergency?"

Then I black out.


	4. It's a Fine Romance

_Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa_

_Shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, shake it out, ooh whoa_

_And it's hard to dance, with the devil on your back_

_So shake him off, ooh whoa_

_And it's hard to dance, with the devil on your back_

_And given half a chance, would I take half it back_

_It's a fine romance, but it's left me so undone_

_It's always darkest before the dawn_

White walls surrounded me for the past two months. St. Hope Mental Hospital is filled with white walls, closing in on me. The carpet is white two. The receptionist wears a white uniform. I don't know how they manage to keep it so white and un-dirty. I don't think I've ever seen a speck of dirt on the carpet since I've arrived.

Holly payed regular visits, dropping off my homework and explaining what I've learned. She avoids my eyes most of the time, looking at the textbooks or at the lined paper. I would feel better if she would just look at me.

Thalia visited once, or so I was told. During the first few weeks, they sedated me from trying to jump out of the window or scratch myself, so I slept a lot. Apparently she sat next to my bed and stroked my hair. The nurse said that she kissed my forehead before she left. The thought makes me smile, but I have a feeling that it's not true at all. They're paid to make me well again.

Holly is waiting in the threshold, her arm carrying my single bag. I'm leaving. No more white walls for a long time, I hope. Holly smiles and moves to take my arm, but I snap it away. She does her pursed-lip thing and walks to her car, me trailing behind. She gets in the driver seat and I get in the passenger. The ride home is silent.

**PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK**

The stares drill holes in me on Monday morning. Even Thalia wont meet my eyes. I look down, shifting my bag higher on my shoulder. My locker is down the hall. There's many more steps to go.

You would think that looking down would enable to see feet. But that's only if your paying attention. Luke's foot appeared in the nick of time, my body toppling over it and onto the floor. The stitches on my chest got most of the impact, and I let out a hiss.

"Watch it, Death Breath," Luke sneered, yanking me off the ground by the collar of my black t-shirt. My head is thrown back so I'm looking straight at him.

"We wouldn't want you to get...hurt again, now would we?" he says, his face contorted in a smirk. Percy laughs.

"Leave him alone, Luke," a voice rings out. Luke rolls his eyes and drops me. I crumple to a heap on the floor. Luke and his cronies disappear down the hallway, probably going to home room. I rub my chest and arms. My legs seem fine. I sneak a glance at Thalia and she finally looks at me. Really looks at me.

I never want her to cry, especially because of me, but she does. Tears run down her face, her mouth emitting a sob, as she flings herself towards me. I catch her, my arms encircling around her waist. I feel my t-shirt getting wet, but I don't care. I just hold her tightly, my face buried in her neck. Thalia pulls away and holds my sunken face in her hands.

"Never again, okay?" she says, her eyes still watering. I nod, even though I don't mean it.

**PAGE BREAK PAGE BREAK**

It's a fine romance. For me, at least. But my heart is undone, the tissue falling apart. I still want to die. That devil that haunts me, my dreams, the word. The only way to shake it off is suicide.

It seems that Holly has raided my room, and removed anything that could be harmful. Anything that I can use. But there's an old bridge that I can use. I'll try that.

I run down the stairs and sneak out, slamming the front door before Holly can ask any questions. The bridge is only a short walk anyway.

The cool breeze blows through my hair, whipping my bangs back. My loose t-shirt hangs down from my bony frame, my black jeans sagging. I need a belt. My eyes flit around, looking at the red leaves, the birds chirping, the occasional runner. But I usually end up looking back down and continue.

It seems to be about mid-afternoon when I get to the bridge, my walk taking longer than expected. Holly must be worried.

I'm thoroughly shocked when I see a head of black hair, streaked with blue, sitting on the bridge, her head in her hands. I approach cautiously, my footsteps barely audible.

"What are you doing here?" I ask, my voice louder then I expected. Thalia whips around, her blue eyes wide, then relaxes when she sees it's me. She shrugs.

"I like it here," she answers flatly. I nod, looking down. How am I supposed to jump if she's here with me? Thalia pats the spot next to her, scooting over to make room.

"Sit," she orders. I oblige, plopping down, dangling my skinny legs off the ledge. She lays her head in the crook of my neck, breathing in and out. I put a nervous arm around her, and she grabs my hand. We sit in silence until she interrupts it.

"You kissed me,"

I flinch, not wanting to talk about it. I thought she would forget, but now I think it's a stupid thought. How do you forget a kiss? So, I nod. Thalia smiles and looks over at me, pulling away from my arm.

"Good. You remember," she says. I open my mouth to speak, but she cuts me off with her own. Thalia wraps her arms around my neck, moving to my lap. I tentatively circle my arms around her waist, pulling her towards my chest. We kiss until there's no more breath in our lungs, and we pull apart gasping.

"Don't ever forget that," Thalia whispers. Before I can respond, she' gone.


	5. I'm okay, Bianca

_And I'm damned if I do, damned if I don't_

_So here's to drinks in the dark, at the end of my road_

_And I'm ready to suffer, ready to hope_

_It's a shot in the dark, aimed right at my throat_

_'Cause looking for heaven, found the devil in me_

_Looking for heaven, found in the devil in me_

_Well what the hell, I'm going to let it happen to me, yeah_

Maybe it's my fault they treat me like this. Maybe it's not because they're mean, it's because of me. Maybe I am stupid. Retarded. A loser. Maybe they're just stating the truth about me.

The thought rings through my head while I trudge through the crowded halls. The students seem to part for me, they're eyes flitting around. Some laugh. I know who laughs.

"How was rehab, stupid?" Luke taunts, shoving me with one, strong arm. I collide with the lockers, my bare wrist hitting the cold metal. I hiss.

"Oh, did he hurt you? I'm sure he didn't mean it,"Percy continues. Annabeth laughs, swinging her arm around him. I stand up, clench my jaw, and walk away. I can hear the echo of their laughs behind me, following me. Of course they are. They're in the same science class as me.

Thalia's hand stops me.

"Don't let what they say get to you, Neeks," she whispers, wrapping her skinny arms around me. I nod, burying my face in her neck. I know I don't mean it. And I'm not letting anyone stop me.

**Page Break**

The alcohol burns down my throat, my visions blurring. My razor rests beside me, along with a note. I need to tell Thalia.

_Dear Thals,_

_I'm sorry. I needed to leave. Even though I love you so much, I need to leave this world. I have no one besides you, and your bound to leave once you find someone better than silly Nico di Angelo. I hope you have a great, long life, and find your sweetheart. I love you. I love the smell of your hair-vanilla. I love the way you laugh at my jokes, even when they aren't funny. I love the way you smile. I love all of you. I just can't do this anymore._

_Oh, and tell Luke that I hate him. And that karma is a bitch._

_Yours Truly,_

_Nico di Angelo_

My head is fuzzy, my thoughts a jumble. The moon is barely visible between the clouds, the night stretching across the sky. I wonder what they will say when they find the dead body of the di Angelo boy sprawled on the ground, his dark eyes rolled to the back of his head. Motionless.

It was always aimed at me. The words. The physical abuse that my old dad put me through. His gun aimed at my throat, my scrawny, nine-year-old frame running out the door, slamming it closed. Me turning my back on the man I was forced to call my father. Turning my back on my family. The shot fired moments later. Then silence.

I was still a friend of Percy at the time. I don't know what happened. Maybe it was just me.

I crush the empty bottle with my foot, the glass exploding. I don't even wince. I don't have time for emotions anymore.

_Just get it done, Nico._

_Do it Nico._

_Get if over with._

_No one cares about you anyways._

I pick up the razor and gently remove the cap. Gently. Gently.

The crimson runs down my wrist, trickling under my shirt. More follows, spilling from the cuts and re-opened scars. Spilling onto the grass of the park. The pain fills my nerves, fighting to be felt.

My legs feel like lead. My knees buckle, sending me crashing to the dirt. More blood spills. I rake the razor down my forearm, willing my misery to be put out. Willing me to leave. I tried to be the angel, the happy, carefree child I was. The only thing I found was the devil in me. The emo, goth, self-harmed child I am. Who I always was. I just couldn't see it.

I'm going to let death overcome me. I'm ready to see the stars.

As I feel my vision fading, I manage to crook out on last sentence.

"I'm okay, Bianca,"

I'm okay Bianca.

I'm okay.

The last thing I see is Bianca di Angelo, stretching out her hand. I grasp it, clinging to the ghostly figure. And my world goes black.


End file.
